I have a confession to make: I'm scared shitless. Of this summer. Of next semester. Of graduating in December. Of leaving Springfield in January. Of being thrown out in the "real world" without a clue as to what the crap I'm supposed to do on a daily basis. I. am. scared. SHITLESS.

While I am excited about my internship this summer, I'm not quite as excited for all the down time I'll have that I will, undoubtedly, spend by myself, in front of either the TV or my computer. I've been trying to think of things to do that will fill my time this summer (i.e. the reason why I've been putting off catching up on Lost), but then I realized that my fear isn't all that extra time to myself. My fear is being alone. I'll go to work each morning with two older women, and then I'll come home to an empty house. Then what? A girl can only watch so many movies, and start/finish so many TV series before she starts to feel a little lonely. I know that I will have to fight to find community this summer--- and (let's make another confession) that is downright humbling and painfully awkward at times.
Fear #2: Not growing where I've been planted. I know that I got this internship in Bentonville for a reason this summer, and my fear is that I'll run from that reason by escaping to Springfield every weekend (or having small pieces of Springfield escape to me...thank you Beth, Aaron, and Eden!).
Is there a balance between these two things? How much can I fight to have and maintain community without running from where I've been put? Do I need to fight for the community that I already have in Springfield from 150 miles away? Or do I need to find new community in Bentonville? If so, how the crap do I do that?

And that's only for the next 3 months. What about after this summer? I'll be fine mid-August through mid-December. I'll even survive through January. But once my lease is over on January 31st, what the hell do I do then? Do people (a.k.a. my parents and high school friends) really expect me to move back to St. Louis, back into my parents house, and be perfectly OK with it, when I haven't lived there in 4 years? When I've been building a life somewhere else for the past 4 1/2 years? Especially a life that I'm quite fond of. I think they do expect that, which only makes it that much worse.

I often find myself fighting that deep, in-the-pit-of-your-stomach worry, that I've been rationalizing lately by calling it "anxiety". Plainly put, I'm a worry wart, and that's no bueno for me, considering my life for the next several months is a big, fat question mark. I listened to a sermon from my church in St. Louis on worry, and something they said really stuck with me: Worry is the anti-prayer. When you worry, you make your problems bigger, and God smaller. When you pray, you make God bigger, and your problems smaller. And I need a bigger God than the one I currently have. They also pointed out that it's helpful to know Scripture that is specific to your worry. And I firmly believe this. Didn't Jesus use specific verses to ward off Satan?

26From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. 27God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.
(Acts 17:26-17)

24The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.
(1 Thessalonians 5:24)

I'm still scared shitless. But at least I can remember that God is faithful, and he determined the times and places for me for the next 7 months.